Fundamental
by lazysundae49
Summary: A few weeks after Kate's accident.
1. Chapter 1

As the slight breeze caught the spring foliage of the crab apple tree outside the tall kitchen window the resulting shadows and light danced across the worktop. The woman's gaze appeared to focus on the shifting negative and positive shapes and a casual observer might have supposed that she was enjoying a rare opportunity to take time out of a busy day to enjoy the sight of such brightness after a whole month of leaden skies and above-average rainfall, but she was oblivious to anything but the sadness in her heart and the anxiety in her head. No conscious attention was being given to the information supplied by her senses; the dried rain streaks on the glass, the softness of the toy rabbit, which was clasped almost absent-mindedly in her right hand, the smell of toast lingering from her reluctantly eaten lunch. It wasn't that these things didn't matter, although they didn't, but more that at that moment they didn't register.

She was dressed casually but immaculately; her blonde hair was clean and stylish. Three weeks previously she had quickly learned a salutary lesson; the best way to avoid unwanted comment or conversation was to give the impression that all was well. So, she didn't skimp on anything that would open the door to searching, painful questioning. Of course, those close at hand were not fooled by her bravado, but silently acknowledged a need to respect her coping mechanisms. The ruse managed to fool those afore-mentioned casual observers and so reduce some of the anguish that filled her days and rattled her nights.

As if being forcefully awakened, her demeanour changed abruptly. As she attempted to tuck a non-existent stray strand of hair behind her ear the rabbit's fur grazed her sunken cheek just as tears began to fall. Copiously, silently, unashamedly, relentlessly they streamed; colouring her face before darkening the blue of her shirt. She rubbed furiously at the growing stain over her breast, as if by doing so she would achieve destruction of the pain within. Her shoulders quivered as she sank unceremoniously onto the nearby sofa, startling the sleeping tabby who made a determined dash for safety. Her grief abated as quickly as it had arrived when her mobile rang. She breathed in deeply and pressed to accept the incoming video call.

'Hi, mum.' The cheery smile of her older son welcomed her. 'I hoped I would catch.. Oh, mum. Have I called at a bad time? Scrap that, silly question.'

'It's always a bad time, but that doesn't mean I'm not pleased you've rung. How's things with you?'

'Put it this way, I thought the jump between GCSEs and A levels would take some beating. Until we were given our most recent assignment, that is! Have you been shopping again?'

William's words were greeted by a bemused look.

'The rabbit, mum.'

Caroline looked at the furry inanimate object in her hands. She placed the rabbit on her lap to release her left hand to stroke the pale pink rabbit ears which her tears had turned into straggly clumps.

'Beverley dropped it off. She's been so lovely. She calls in most days, never stops or puts me under pressure, just brings messages from staff and food that she knows your brother will eat.'

William chuckled despite himself.

'Yes, I know; bringing food that Lawrence will eat is no hardship! It's true what they say about finding who your real friends are in times of crisis. I wouldn't have managed these last few weeks without Gillian and Beverley. They're both their usual selves, like you are, which I need as much as I need air.' She paused to take a deep breath. 'When are you coming home again? Sorry, I said I wouldn't keep asking, didn't I?'

'No, mum, it's fine. That's why I'm ringing. My personal tutor has a family emergency and so I've a free day tomorrow. I'm intending to do some research in the library this evening and catch the first train in the morning. I can stay until Sunday night, if that's ok.'

The grief-stricken woman reached out and momentarily stroked the screen of her smart phone causing a solitary tear to release itself from the shining pool beneath her left eye. She lowered her head to hide it from William, but in vain. The wise young man knew better than to comment and simply copied the way that his mother had touched the screen of her phone, conveying comfort from a distance.

Caroline breathed in deeply and smiled.

'That's wonderful, wonderful. I'll pick you up from the station if you let me know what time you'll be arriving. We could go straight to the hospital, if you want.'

'Yes, I'd like that, if you wouldn't mind sharing Kate with me for a little while.'

'Oh, William! She'd love to see … you to visit. Maybe you could read to her again?'

Soon afterwards the conversation wound to its usual conclusion with an exchange of expressions of affection, and entreaties to stay safe. Her younger son returned home minutes later, bringing further welcome distraction from the anxious, debilitating thoughts that had screamed inside her brain every second of every minute for hours, days, weeks. The tightness in her chest, the light-headedness and nausea continued but she knew that she benefitted from being forced to function, to cope with mundanity.

ooOoo

Car park spaces were more available at the end of the day and, with rain now set in for the evening, Caroline was fortunate to be able to park closer to the hospital than when she had visited a few hours previously. She placed the long-term parking permit on her dashboard, grateful that she had purchased it when it became clear that she would be visiting the hospital for the foreseeable future. Having barely set foot inside the building before Kate's accident she now knew it almost as well as the inside of Sulgrave. The locations of the toilets, the quickest route to the bank of lifts, the change needed for the coffee machines; all such information, and more, had been quickly absorbed. Ever the organiser she had found herself supporting less knowledgeable visitors on numerous occasions.

'Oh, that's easy, like everything, once you know. Take the lift to the fourth floor and turn left.'

'Best avoid the cafeteria between eleven and midday as that's when the staff take their breaks and the queues can be horrendous.'

'They lock that door at eight o'clock, so we'll need to leave through the main entrance.'

She did it all with her customary headteacher efficiency, showing no sign of her personal torment. However, her bluster failed the minute she entered the enhanced care unit where Kate was being cared for. It was there that she could let lose her inner child and allow the incredible efficiency and compassion of the ward staff to take over so that she could give in to her fears and pain. Each patient on that ward was allocated one-to-one nursing and Caroline was now on first name terms with them all. She had her favourite but never doubted the skill and empathy of every single member of the team; not just nurses but the doctors, health care assistants, physiotherapists, clerical staff. They all, in various ways, gave her the freedom to be vulnerable as they took on the role of caring for her as much as for her darling wife. She knew that the named nurse would be the same as the one who had been on that morning, although there would be a handover to the night staff well before she was encouraged to head home again.

Entering the unit she did not expect Kate to have any other visitors, Ginika having been advised not to visit as she had succumbed to a virus that could prove extremely dangerous for Kate and other patients if she was to take it into the hospital. Also anxious not to infect Caroline, Ginika had isolated herself in Celia's granny flat, insisting that she could manage to look after herself for as long as it took to recover. So, it was with pleasure that Caroline saw the unmistakable sight of Gillian's parka draped over one of the chairs in Kate's cubicle. There was no sign of the owner of the coat but, no matter, she was there – somewhere – and Caroline was grateful that she would have her stepsister's company for some of the evening.

She smiled a greeting at Debbie, the nurse, before casually throwing her own denim jacket across the same visitor's chair. She raised her eyebrows and inclined her head.

'Dr Bashir's just gone for a coffee.' Debbie's simple statement told Caroline all she needed to know, and they shared a laugh, despite the seriousness of their surroundings. Gillian had struck up an interest in the young registrar, who seemed to have no idea why she always seemed to appear in the café at the exact same time that he took his break, even though the rest of the staff had long since worked it out.

Caroline leaned across the bed rail to brush a gentle kiss against her wife's forehead. She was now accustomed to the various tubes and wires linking Kate to the high-tech monitors. Determined not to be constantly questioning staff, she had made a point of learning about the equipment. The readings on the screens told her that all was well; or, at least, as well as could be expected for someone who had suffered a catastrophic head injury and consequently undergone several hours of brain surgery. Since then Kate _had_ made definite progress, giving Caroline encouragement to leave her side for a few hours during the daytime and go home each night. The ventilator was no longer required, and the supply of oxygen was now on its lowest level. Since opening her eyes briefly a few days previously, it was clear that Kate was beginning to respond to stimuli. There was so much to be thankful for, but the outcome remained unclear. Nobody, yet, was prepared to say if Kate would regain full consciousness and, if she did, whether she would retain her previous level of functioning.

'Hello, sweetheart. Guess what? Surprise, surprise; it's raining. I managed to get in the main car park this evening, so I don't look like a drowned rat. Did you know that Gillian's here? Well, not here, exactly. It seems she's thirsty at the same time as Dr Bashir. Again!'

Caroline stroked Kate's hands as she spoke, turning the ring that she had so recently placed on her finger. Ever determined that she would not give in to her emotions, Caroline searched her brain for further positive topics of conversation.

'I've fed Lawrence and left him doing his science homework. He's been pretty trustworthy since.. well, recently. You never know, perhaps he'll get used to it. Oh, Beverley sends her love and dropped off yet more cakes and pastries. The freezer's heaving. When you come home we'll have enough to live on for weeks, at this rate. I think she's got everyone of her friends involved.'

The mention of Kate leaving hospital caused Caroline's throat to tighten and she sat back in the chair. Debbie noticed the alteration in the atmosphere and joined in.

'Well, I'll just leave it out in the open for your consideration that most of the staff on this ward have a fondness for anything containing unhealthy levels of sugar. Just saying!'

The nurse's intervention was enough encouragement for Caroline to regain her composure and she picked up the book on the locker and began to read, with one hand holding Kate's and an occasional glance at her wife's face to check for a response. Gillian practically bounced into the room a short while later.

'My two favourite ladies will, no doubt, be pleased to hear that I have just been treated to a coffee by a rather charming doctor who came to my aid in the café when I realised that I'd left my money in my coat! There are times when I'm astounded by my own ingenuity. Ingenuity. You'll like that word, Kate; sounds like it has French origins.'

'Which is more than can be said for trollop!' Caroline responded in kind before standing to pull Gillian into a hug and whisper 'I'm so pleased to have you here,' into her ear.

'What book is she boring you with this evening?' Gillian asked as she plonked herself onto a chair. 'No, don't tell me. I'm bound not to have heard of it and it will only start an argument with my dear stepsister about its supposed merits. Rather, if Nurse Debbie promises not to eavesdrop, I'll tell you more about that cup of coffee.'

Caroline sat in wonder as Gillian, ever the same, talked non-stop for the next half an hour about her fifteen minutes with the doctor. How she wished that she could prattle like that on her visits but, of course, her emotions about the situation, as well as her personality meant that she was more constrained. While Gillian chatted, Caroline observed, and she was sure that Kate seemed to be listening. Her eyes flickered underneath their lids and an occasional frown knitted her brow. Just as Gillian came to the end of her tale Kate's eyes opened and sound came from her dry lips. Despite the hoarseness of her voice, the uttered word was perfectly clear.

'Baby.'

Caroline could constrain her emotions no longer and fell sobbing onto Gillian's shoulder.

Kate's level of consciousness reduced again within seconds and no further signs of awareness were evident, however much time and hopefulness Caroline put into the evaluation of her wife. Gillian stayed beyond her usual leave time, determined to support her stepsister. All facetiousness had now dissipated, and the hardworking farmer had to dig deep to access qualities of wisdom and subtlety.

ooOoo

The surgery to remove the blood clot from Kate's brain had been followed immediately by a caesarean to bring her much wanted child into the world. Unfortunately, the accident had also caused a pelvic fracture and internal bleeding, so the birth had not been without complications and for several days both of their lives hung in the balance. Caroline had dictated from day one that no visitor or member of the hospital staff was to mention Flora in front of Kate. She knew that hearing was considered to prevail when other senses failed, and she was determined to save the woman she loved from any unnecessary distress.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N Many thanks for all the words of encouragement. They are much appreciated.

Chapter 2

Gillian persuaded her that they should both head home from the hospital when their conversation became monosyllabic and they began to struggle to keep their eyes open. Knowing that Gillian would refuse to leave before her and that she had a much longer journey back to the farm, Caroline gave in to the suggestion. For the first week after the accident she had barely slept at all; curling up on whatever type of chair she could drag into Kate's cubicle in the ICU at night, catnapping beside Kate during the day when exhaustion could be fought no longer. After that she shared the night shift, and a camp bed provided in one of the windowless relatives' rooms (more aptly described as a glorified cupboard) with Ginika as they took it in turns to stay by Kate's side until she was taken off the critical list. It was only recently that she had begun to spend every night back at the house.

Having phoned Ginika with an update during the drive home her only remaining responsibility was to check on Lawrence before indulging in a long, warm bath. As had become her ritual, she donned Kate's dressing gown afterwards, imagining that it was her wife's arms that enveloped her and not just the scent of her on the towelling robe. Hunger drove her to the kitchen where she microwaved the remainder of a Cottage Pie, but each mouthful was a chore to consume, the sheer effort draining her already depleted energy level, and she managed a meagre portion before confining the rest to the waste bin. Her eyes strayed to the wine rack, but she was rational enough to know that avenue was best avoided. Having sworn off drink in support of the pregnant Kate, she knew that two glasses of red would soon hit the spot, but she also knew that this would produce poor quality sleep, and a thick head come the morning when she would need to be awake early to meet William.

As if taunting her decision to steer clear of alcohol, sleep stubbornly refused to come even though she had practically collapsed into her bed. Making herself comfortable, she decided to listen to a podcast and found one on renaissance art, in which she had no real interest, hoping against hope that it would bore her brain into submission. The podcast finished and sleep continued to evade her. Her pillows weren't right, she rearranged them; the room was too warm, she opened the window; she took a drink of water to quench her thirst - all to no avail as time ticked by. A believer in buying high quality white Egyptian cotton linen, she loved the feel of a freshly laundered bed; so, hoping that its clinical smoothness would bring comfort and sleep, she summoned the required energy to change the bedding. Her efforts were futile, and she surrendered to insomnia, daydreams and reminiscence.

ooOoo

Constantly diverted, she was doing her very best to concentrate on the task at hand and not on the courtyard below her window.

'This report won't write itself, Caroline. What's the matter with you? Concentrate!'

'A question for you, Caroline.'

Like one of her unruly fourth formers caught in some act of mischief, she looked up as the voice of her secretary interrupted her monologue and reverie.

'What? Sorry, Beverley. What's that? The question, I mean.'

'Talking to yourself is one thing but I'm interested to know whether you know the answer to your own question and whether you'd tell yourself if you did.' Beverley smiled kindly as she spoke, having her own suspicions as to why her employer was finding it hard to deal with a routine assignment.

'Oh, don't ask, Beverley. You know as well as I do that, however many times I try to explain otherwise, the dinosaurs on the board still think the students should be issued with slates and chalk, rather than see us invest in our I.T. facilities.'

'I also know as well as you do that you have been bringing them kicking and screaming into the 21st century for the whole time you've been here. You could write reports standing on your head, even if you had slate and chalk as tools. So, do you want to tell me what's the problem or should I mind my own business?'

'You know what, Beverley, hoping not to cause offence, I should tell you that you're not dissimilar to my mother. Both of you should be subject to the witch dunking test. Before you present yourself at the village pond please make me a coffee and while you're at it, if you happen to run into Kate McKenzie please ask her if…. No, forget that last bit. I think I need to be a grown up. I'll finish this later. I'm off to face my fate.'

Having scoured the outside of the school in vain, she located Kate collecting test papers in her classroom. The sight before her brought with it a sense of deep despair; how beautiful but how distant, no eye contact and terse to the point of rudeness. It was their first personal encounter since the debacle at the hotel where they should have been celebrating Kate's birthday and Caroline 'blew it' as she so succinctly described it later. Here in the drab, oak-panelled classroom, the French flag the only splash of colour, she stood with her arm crossed defensively, hoping against hope for some sign that all was not lost, but it was a pointless waste of energy. Kate's attitude and words cut her to the bone; she felt an antipathy that went beyond rejection. The deed was done; Kate had slept with Greg and it was clear as crystal that she was no longer wanted on voyage. Kate brushed past her former lover and into the corridor, leaving a gaping void behind. It would be many months before they would exchange words in any way that could be described as civil and even longer before they began to heal and reconnect.

Now, as she had done in the lonely hours of every night since the accident, when sleep eluded her or nightmares invaded what little rest she managed to achieve, Caroline relived and cherished this and every other moment of their relationship; the memories enabling temporary escape from the dark and desolate places of her mind. She came to realise that even the negative recollections were precious; ironically, in many ways, they were the most reassuring, as it was at those times Kate had showed the strength that she would need to face an uncertain future.

ooOoo

William sauntered down the steps from the station until he noticed where his mum's Jeep was parked, then jogged across the car park, waving. Her heart lifted as she returned his greeting, knowing that William's presence would be a welcome support for her troubled soul. Ever since the accident his gentle empathy had given her a courage and hope that she so desperately needed, and she trusted that this weekend would be no different. She opened the boot for two bulging rucksacks and enveloped him in a hug the moment his arms were free.

'Oh, William, I'm so pleased that you are here,' her words stifling a sob as they broke apart.

'Me too, mum. Brought my washing with me, as you'll have guessed. The washing machine works well enough but it's so hard to get things dried in the digs.'

'Excuses, excuses! I know there's a laundrette you could use!' Caroline chastised good-humouredly, so grateful for his company and the mundanity of the conversation.

William smiled in reply, pleased to see his mum push through her obvious pain.

'Roxy sends her love and has made me promise to tell her immediately about any change since you texted yesterday evening.' William prompted a response as he settled into the passenger seat.

His mother rested her head on the steering wheel, as if her neck was unable to support its weight. William knew better than to interrupt and pretended to adjust his seat belt as he waited for her to regain her composure.

'Nothing since, that I know about but I'm sure you'll see a difference. The medics keep saying that we should be cautiously optimistic. I'm doing my best to learn patience and be grateful for small mercies but, oh God, William, it's so hard. Day after day. Just sitting beside Kate, watching and waiting. It's worse since Ginika has been unable to visit but Gillian's been a bloody marvel.' She straightened up at last, fortified by relieving some of the anguish.

'What about _Flora_?'

'_What_ about Flora?' she echoed his words, albeit with a subtle difference in emphasis.

'You know very well what I mean.' he probed gently, knowing this remained a no-go area but one that he was determined to enter.

'Shall we get going? The outpatient clinics can make car parking a nightmare at this time of day.' She put the car into reverse gear to manoeuvre out of the confined space, conveniently needing to look over her right shoulder and away from her son while she did so.

Although he was reluctant to continue the conversation, not wanting to distress his mum while she was driving, he wanted to use the opportunity of having her as a captive audience. He'd phoned his Gran at the farm the evening before, just to gauge her opinion and the conversation convinced him that the time was right to force a conversation and a decision.

'She won't talk about Flora at all. To anyone, William. God knows, we've all tried. Me, well, I've had a mouthful from her on numerous occasions, that I've shrugged off with my usual magnanimity as I know how hard this is for her. Told me to mind my own business, in no uncertain terms. Ginika, Alan, Gillian, even the doctors; she's shut us all down. She is slightly more polite to the hospital staff, but the gist of her response is the same. It's none of our business and she doesn't need our advice or support, thank you very much.' Celia's desperation was evident, and the usually battle-hardened woman fought back her tears. 'Ginika probably got the closest to getting her to talk but that's only because your mum is trying not to upset her, while things with Kate are so desperately worrying. But, just when Ginika thought she was making progress, she's had to steer clear of the hospital and your mum, so we're probably back to square one.'

William's thoughts were jarred back to the present as he realised his mum had asked him a question.

'Sorry, mum. What did you say?'

'I asked whether you were going to gang up on me like everyone else. I know they mean well but I just want to be left alone to deal with watching my wife, possibly brain damaged, having urine collected in a bag, food provided via a tube up her nose, with cannulas in her arms to administer God knows what, scars from the surgery across her stomach and a half-shaved scalp. Anything else is too much, too soon, too traumatic and too painful. That's what people don't seem to understand.'

Goodness knows, he'd seen his mum run the gamut of emotions in her personal life over the last couple of years. Firstly, when his parents separated, then when they attempted a reconciliation that barely lasted an afternoon, anger and sheer bloody-minded determination had eventually won the day for her as she dealt with the hurt of his father's betrayal. Later when she'd braved her demons to be open about her sexuality, she'd shown her more fragile side and, for a while, wilted under the scrutiny of others. When her relationship with Kate broke down in its early days, she'd had to face reality and the devastating loss of her dream. Here, now, he was more worried than at any time previously. She displayed her angst clearly enough in the words that she spoke, but she seemed almost devoid of life. He felt that he would need to live another hundred years to gain the experience and wisdom to respond but his intuition caught her last sentence and he decided to focus on that.

'Why do you say that? The medics are confident Kate's making progress.'

'They're not looking at it from my point of view, William!' she snapped. 'Less than twenty-four hours of marriage then this…. this limbo, this, this… shit. You know what they say, men plan, and God laughs. Well, I've stopped hoping, planning or believing in a future containing anything good because that's tempting fate and I know I won't be able to cope when it goes tits up again.'

He watched and waited for her to continue but her attention seemed totally focused on the road ahead. He was just about to prompt her when she gave voice to her fears.

'I've looked at a cemetery, you know. I haven't told anyone else this, and you're not to either. Fairly soon after the accident, when it was still touch and go for them both, Kate was having some scans and they said it might be a good time for me to pop home or, at least, have a break. So Ginika stayed and I decided to set off home, get a shower and pick up some bits. Kate's MP3 player, her perfume, that sort of stuff.' She paused, her attention focused on driving as she turned off the main road into the hospital car park, slowly driving up and down until she manoeuvred expertly into a vacant space.

'So, I was on my way home when I saw a sign for a cemetery and found myself driving down a narrow, lonely road, and parking up. Before I'd realised or rationalised what I was doing, I was wandering aimlessly around all these headstones. All sorts, there were. Different sizes, some ornate, some plain. New, dilapidated, you name it. Well kept, it was, the cemetery. Neat grass between the stones, lots of trees. It was on a hill and you could see across Harrogate; beautiful, really peaceful, and I began to picture myself visiting Kate, bringing flowers every weekend, spending time with her, making sure she was ok.'

She turned to look at her son for the first time since she had begun to speak, her eyes focused on his mouth, as if looking for any hint of a smile or ridicule. Finding nothing but love and empathy, she continued.

'After all the time we've lived here, I never knew that cemetery existed, never even heard about it. I just wandered and wandered, for ages and then suddenly I came across this little gap in a hedge, as if I had been guided there. It sounds surreal as I talk about it now and it was surreal then.'

'The stones were smaller there, and some plain wooden crosses with little metal plaques. But, more tellingly, an amazing array of more cuddly toys than I'd ever, ever seen. Cards in plastic wallets in places. It was a part of the cemetery just for children, William. For babies, for Flora.'

While the words she was speaking were heart-breaking, there was no hesitation in her voice, no hint of grief, no sign of tears. William sat, mesmerised, wanting his mum to continue to speak if only to help clarify her thought processes, which she did.

'Then I thought, it doesn't matter how lovely it is, it is still a cemetery. And why would I do that, have Kate in one plot and Flora elsewhere. This baby that was everything to Kate, separated from her.' She reached out to grab his hand and kiss his fingers. He smiled then, with compassion and love. Before he could speak, she continued once more.

'Fundamental. That was what I said to Kate about babies when we first discussed it, then I let her down because my idea of the future didn't include a pregnancy and becoming a parent again in my forties. I wrapped it up in numerous ways, making out that it was for her benefit. Concern for Kate if she couldn't get pregnant or if she had another miscarriage. Her career being affected by taking time out to become a mum. All designated to steer her dreams in a direction I wanted them to take. Then the accident happened, this fucking awful thing, threatening to take Kate away from me and from Flora or, maybe Kate recovering, and Flora taken away from her, from us.'

The light began to dawn on William, and he sensed, as if for the first time, the weight of the ordeal that his mum was carrying and he interrupted.

'So that's why you won't consider Flora coming home without Kate. I can see that. You don't feel it's right to separate them.'

'Not just that but, yes. Largely my own fault, I know, because I couldn't, can't, face talking about it. Everyone is telling me to take Flora home; telling me that she would be better off there than in hospital. William, I know it's silly and I know I need to have some help to sort my brain out because this could go on for many more months and that would be cruel to Flora. The other thing is that I'm frightened to start a future with Flora, hardly dare pick her up, daren't risk loving her more than I already do. I can't run the risk that this joy might somehow be taken away from me as a punishment for discouraging Kate's dream in the first place.'

The mask slipped then, the tears flowed, and she clung to her first born like a drowning woman to a life-raft.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

They walked in silence from car to the front entrance of the hospital, almost as strangers, each lost in their individual thoughts and emotions. For Caroline there was a sense of relief above all, as she sensed that the sharing had eased her burden, albeit ever so slightly. There remained the core worries of Kate's health and Flora's care to contend with, but she sensed that the conversation with her son had come in the nick of time for her own mental health. As they approached the lift Caroline touched William's arm to attract his attention.

'You go on up. I just need to sort my face out properly.' At last acknowledging her son's presence she grimaced as she spoke, but with a hint of a smile, which spoke volumes for her resilience. 'I dropped Ginika off at the main gate before I drove to pick you up so she's already here, but probably in the nursery to start with, hoping to give Flora a bottle.'

William decided to make Kate his first port of call, thinking that he would swop places with Ginika later so that they could keep within the limit of two people at a time by Kate's bed. As he stepped out of the lift on the floor for the ICU, he was surprised to see Kate's mum pacing across the landing, phone against her cheek and muttering to herself. As if sensing his approach, she looked up and gave him a smile which soon changed into a frown as she saw the lift door close behind him.

'Your mum, William! Where's your mum? We need your mum. I came out of the ward to ring her but she's not picking up!' she blurted out.

Despite having to deal with the trauma of her daughter's accident and injuries William had never seen Ginika anything less than calm and dignified and William began to panic, sure that it must be mean a serious decline in Kate's health.

'She's on her way but, God, Ginika, what's up, whatever's up?'

'It's Kate. She's asking for her! Go!'

Not the most emotionally robust of lads, William momentarily felt his head swim, with relief, surprise, anxiety, and panic. He willed himself to think logically, fighting against the rush of adrenalin coursing through his system. He pushed the lift call button but just too late; the digital display indicated that it was already on its way to the floors above and the second lift was on the ground floor. The delay gave him the opportunity to consider his options.

'Hang on!' He paused momentarily. 'Sorry, Ginika, that sounded rude, but I need to think. I could go after her but I've no idea which loo she went to and in any case, we're could easily miss one other and she'll be here within minutes anyway. Let's go and be with Kate and reassure her that my mum is on her way.' He gave Ginika no time to respond, leading her by the elbow down the bright white, clinical corridor towards the ward while she explained exactly what was going on with his step-mum.

On entering Kate's cubicle William was relieved to see that Kate was still alert, her focus on the actions of the nurse who was recording the readings on the monitor. As if in slow motion, her eyes moved in their direction when Ginika spoke her name. Having had time to regain some semblance of composure, William noticed the tears which were pooling in his step-mum's eyes, and he knew he needed to convey positive vibes.

'She'll be here soon, Kate. What a lovely surprise you'll give her, that's for sure. Bloody lovely for me too and the money for my train ticket must be the best investment I've ever made.' The gawky teenager smiled broadly and put his thumbs up.

Caroline strutted into the ward less than five minutes later, determined to appear in control of her emotions and the situation. She knew that she hadn't managed to fool anyone since the start of Kate's time there, but she continued with the pretence, nevertheless, and nodded greetings to the staff as she passed them. Their smiles of welcome seemed to be verging on jovial, but she was too preoccupied to notice or speculate.

'Oh, Ginika, I didn't think you'd be here yet,' she commented casually as she took off her coat, having yet to notice the change in her wife. 'We'd better get an action plan so there's not too many visitors by Kate's bed.'

Having arranged her belongings on a chair she focused her attention on Kate for the first time.

'Wha… oh Kate!' she exclaimed loudly, before her tears flowed for the second time that morning and she sank to her knees beside her wife.

oooOooo

Kate remained conscious for just under half an hour, only speaking her wife's name twice more, unmistakably Kate's voice despite its hoarseness. Caroline was convinced it was the sweetest sound that she had ever heard. While encouraged throughout the preceding weeks by the slightest sign of improvement, and the measured comments of the hospital staff, she had learned to balance hope with reason but for the first time she allowed hope to be in the ascendancy.

Each visitor was inwardly confident that Kate understood where she was and was actively listening to their conversation. The entrance to the unit was full of pamphlets on every conceivable type of injury and Caroline had taken a copy of any that related to brain injuries, using the information for further study whenever she had time and opportunity. Her new-found knowledge had been duly disseminated so that every member of the family knew what to do at each stage of progress. Now, with Kate seeming to be taking in her surroundings, all three of them did their upmost to remain calm, fighting against their inner excitement, knowing that it was so important for Kate not to be overwhelmed by stimuli. She smiled at times, frowned at others and then her eyelids began to close.

Sensing a change in the visitors' resolve and fortitude, Kate's nurse intervened, whispering that this was to be expected, and they shouldn't be concerned. Tammy explained that anyone in Kate's position was likely to tire after any activity, even that of keeping her eyes open, and her brain and body would continue to need plenty of rest to aid further recovery. Soon afterwards, the duty consultant arrived to carry out Kate's daily review and called Caroline outside the cubicle to talk more freely.

ooOoo

'This is a positive step, make no mistake; sporadic periods of alertness, coupled with recognition, and the ability to follow instruction are all excellent indicators. Now Kate has made this major step, she is likely to have further, more regular periods of being awake, stronger and longer each time. I'm not going to change the medical assessment recorded in Kate's notes. That will stay as cautious optimism for further improvement, limit unknown, but I am confident that she has turned another corner. I've got to move on but are there any questions?'

Caroline took her time, aware of the need to make the most of this opportunity. She fortified herself to ask the question that seemed the most meaningful.

'The baby, doctor? Is it too soon to bring the baby to see Kate when she's awake?'

'Ah, yes, the baby. After this morning, no, I don't think it's too soon. It's all a balancing act but the baby may well be the most significant part of Kate's progress once we've done all we can here. I think we need to be sensible and not overwhelm her but NOT bringing the baby in might start to make my patient anxious and that's definitely to be avoided.' The doctor's eyes lit up and his pragmatism cracked momentarily. 'Besides, I've heard that your daughter is really cute and I for one would like to see her!'

ooOoo

Caroline, Ginika and William took it in turns to spend time with Flora for the rest of the morning. In the afternoon William asked if it could stay at the nursery as he felt the women would be the more welcome sights for Kate when she roused again. In any case, he enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the nursery more than the quiet of the ICU and he wanted to gain confidence with Flora's care, having had little experience of caring for babies.

Flora was a lively baby, more alert than most of the others in the nursery who were either younger or more poorly. However, once she had guzzled a small bottle of milk and a nurse had helped him to bring up her wind, Flora nodded off contentedly in his arms. William was taking a selfie with his baby sister when the nurse returned to them.

'We've just had a call from the ICU. Flora's mum is awake again and it's time for someone else have a cuddle.'

William asked if he could wheel the small plastic cot but he was told that would be against every rule in the manual. But, once clear of the rather stern ward sister, the young nurse gave him control and he pushed Flora proudly across to the other side of the hospital.

A buzz of excitement greeted them, especially from those staff who had become regular visitors to the nursery.

ooOoo

While Flora was on her way, Caroline was quietly preparing Kate for the first sight of her darling daughter. It was not clear what, if anything, Kate knew of the accident and the main aim was to avoid causing anguish by giving information that could wait for another day. Tenderly holding her wife's hands, she began what she sensed might be the first of many difficult conversations.

'You have given us such a wonderful gift today, you know.' Caroline smiled as she whispered, looking for understanding in the dark eyes, inches from her own. Caroline was sure that the slight frown across Kate's forehead was Kate's way of seeking further information.

'You can't tell us yet so we don't know what you remember about coming into hospital but you've been here three weeks now, asleep and mending. You're going to keep mending but the doctor's say you're now strong enough to be awake while you get better. I hope I'm making sense.'

Kate's thumb moved against her wife's as if to confirm she understood, and the blonde woman continued.

'You weren't well, Kate and they had to operate to make sure you got better and..'

'Baby?' Kate responded, surprising all within earshot. Her eyes began to moisten and Caroline continued quickly to quench her alarm.

'All is well, my darling, all is well. She's fine, she's adorable and she's on her way to see you. She's called Flora, as I knew that's what you wanted.'

A smile slowly began to form as Kate seemed to assimilate the information, then her eyes joined in with the emotion, before her whole face beamed with what could only be described as unbridled joy and every eye in the room needed drying by the time William arrived with the precious cargo.

Kate's eyes were riveted to the stunningly beautiful baby, for that is what Flora was. Unmistakably her mother's daughter, she had a mop of dark hair, just long enough to show that it would be curly, and the most incredible dark eyes, round and inquisitive. Kate seemed to make an effort to sit herself forward, an action that thrilled everyone even though she couldn't quite manage to complete the task. The head of the bed was soon adjusted, a pillow was placed across Kate's middle and baby Flora McKenzie-Dawson was duly placed upon it, to receive her first cuddle from her mum, who wept tears of delight at the realisation of her dream.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N Thank you for your reviews - as always - I'm grateful for your support.

Chapter 4

While Kate gazed spell-bound at the bundle of delight before her, everyone else looked at her with amazement and gratitude. In the dark days, when both lives had hovered so close to ending, no-one's thoughts had ventured remotely near to supposing that this level of health and joy might be possible. Now, with Flora thriving and her loving mum not only out of danger, but alert enough to cradle her baby, adrenalin flowed through excitement and anticipation rather than fear. Despite the necessary adherence to, and promotion of, the Christian faith which satisfied the terms of Sulgrave's charter, Caroline could not remember an occasion when she had given personal thanks – but she did so now, internally, as she began to give Kate a little more information about their daughter.

'Her birth hasn't been registered yet, Kate. I decided to wait until you woke up and could do it and just in case you didn't think she looked like a Flora. We've got just under three more weeks, so there's still plenty of time.'

The fact of the matter was, this was not close to the top of the list of the reasons that the task had not been done and even while she spoke she knew that one day, when the time was right, bit by bit, she would need to be truthful to her wife about her struggle to deal with the aftermath of the accident.

'She was seven pounds four ounces when she was born; just like most babies, she lost some weight in the first week or so but is now just over her birth weight and they're really happy with her progress. You'll be pleased to know that she sleeps well once she's had her bottle, been winded - and clean. She's just like William was at that age, she never settles if her nappy needs changing!' Caroline smiled widely as she spoke, trying her best to focus Kate's thinking on nappy changing rather than Flora's weight and being bottle-fed, something that Kate had hoped to avoid.

Wrapped up in that information was another diversion from the truth; the new-born Flora's weight had dropped dramatically as her sucking reflex did not work properly, initially. Although she was now doing well, she had not had the minimal weight loss that Caroline implied even though she had been given supplementary food through a tube for the first ten days. She considered that would be too much information for a recovering mum to deal with and, again, the full truth could be given at some stage, when appropriate.

'Flora.' Kate croaked and bent her head sufficiently to plant parched lips on her daughter's forehead. 'My Flora. Flora pretty.' The proud mum smiled up at everyone as she spoke, as if introducing her daughter to those around her.

'Yes, my darling daughter. Your daughter is pretty, just like you were, and are.' The proud, and relieved, Grandma Ginika found her voice. 'She's your mini-me, that's for sure, Kate. One look at those eyes speaks volumes.'

As if disturbed by Kate's attention being given elsewhere, Flora started to whimper, causing Kate's brow to furrow. Her right hand side was free of the pillow, and Flora's weight, and just as Caroline was about to intervene, Kate moved her hand to stroke Flora's cheek. Flora's response was as instinctive as her mum's action had been; her mouth turned towards the stimulus, attempting to suck.

Kate had been given physiotherapy to help clear her chest of secretions while she was on the ventilator as well as therapy to help her maintain some flexibility in her joints and help reduce muscle wastage. This input would continue throughout her rehabilitation until she achieved her potential, whatever that might be, but this was the first evidence of independent movement of anything but her fingers. Kate's gaze was fixed on her baby and she remained oblivious to the surprise she was giving to her visitors and the two nurses. Of all those present, William was the first to regain some composure and quickly retrieved his phone from his jacket pocket.

'Can I?' he mouthed to his mum, who smiled and nodded in reply.

Not wishing to attract Kate's attention, William quietly manoeuvred himself towards the end of the bed and clicked away to document the miracle taking place in front of their eyes. He motioned for his mum and Ginika to move into view and took further photos of what would have been a normal family group with a new-born, was it not for the medical paraphernalia and the dressing around Kate's head.

Soon afterwards, the proud mum began to look tired. She had been awake for almost an hour, her longest spell yet, and Caroline was in no doubt that she was forcing herself to stay awake. The ICU nurse interpreted her concerned glance and accepted the responsibility of being the one to intervene.

'Kate, I'm so sorry to interrupt you and Flora, but your obs, sorry, your observations, are due. Can Flora go back into her cot for a while so that I can do the necessary?'

Kate's 'yes' was accompanied by a nod as she looked pensively towards the cot, as if to question how she might make the nurse's request a reality. Kate's occasional words and actions were encouraging but the reality was that she remained almost fully dependent on others to interpret her thoughts and anticipate her needs. Caroline saw the predicament and responded immediately, bending slowly beside her wife.

'It looks as if our little sweetheart is about to nod off,' she observed, before gently transferring Flora to the cot.

While Kate's attention was taken by the ICU nurse, Caroline beckoned Tara, the nurse from the baby unit, to the corner of the cubicle.

'I was going to speak to you about discharging Flora, if that's ok?' she whispered warily.

Tara touched her elbow and smiled. 'Of course, it's more than ok. We were just waiting for you to know when the time was right. When were you thinking?'

'Well, today, really. I haven't got her car seat with me but it wouldn't take me long to go home and get it. I have everything else ready. Well, Kate did it all, to be fair, so I can't take the credit. I know how much milk per feed and I could make some bottles up when I go home to collect the seat.'

In reality, Caroline did not feel as confident as she sounded but after her conversation with William and seeing Kate's progress, she felt determined not to lose the momentum of the day. Also, with the level of Kate's awareness increasing, she did not want to have Kate questioning why Flora had not yet been discharged from hospital, especially if it made her doubt Flora's health or Caroline's commitment to look after her. So, it was agreed; Flora would go back to the nursery for a final check while Caroline drove home to do what she needed to do and the truth about the delay in Flora's discharge date would be added to the list of things to admit to Kate at some point in the future.

A very weary but content Kate had fallen asleep while the nurse carried out her observations so Caroline was spared the need to explain where she was going. William suggested that he accompanied his mum, to help her prepare the bottles and provide company on the journey, and Ginika stayed with Kate in case she woke again while Tara returned a sleeping Flora to the nursery.

ooOoo

'I'm very proud of you, you know?' Caroline put her arms around William's shoulders as they waited for the lift.

'I'm not sure what I've done to warrant that but I'll take your pride any day!' he responded. 'And while we're talking of pride, the feeling's mutual, mum. I know everyone thinks their mum is the best but, seriously, you're up there.'

Their return walk to the car was in stark contrast to the solemn silence that accompanied the walk into the hospital six hours earlier. During the drive William checked the photos on his phone and at his mum's request, forwarded them to Celia, Gillian and Beverley with a brief summary of the day's events and their plans. Within minutes William's phone alerted him to incoming messages from the three women, all expressing their pleasure at the news. As he had expected, Celia's reply was slightly less exuberant than the rest but he sensed apprehension at the added pressure Flora's homecoming might pose on his mum, rather than lack of support.

'This is cute, from Beverley. She says she's already on the case re baby-sitting and she'll be sending you an email about her availability before the end of the day! Gillian says it's about bloody time and Kate looks less tired than you do so you'd better up your game or she'll be looking for a younger model. Gran says she hopes Flora sleeps better than you did at that age and, well, other similar observations. Then she sent another one saying that she was really happy to see Kate awake and to let you know that her and Alan will be back at the house tomorrow so they can help. Oh, and she thinks Gillian is fed up with them.'

They arrived back at the house in good time, late afternoon meaning less traffic on that route. During the drive Caroline had made a mental note of what needed doing and set to work the minute they opened the door. William's first task was to put his laundry in the washing machine while Caroline loaded the steriliser. She asked William to boil the kettle for a pot of tea and to start making the feed when the steriliser had finished, while she went upstairs. As was the hospital policy, Flora was already using her own sleepsuits and nappies but she would need a coat, hat and blanket for her journey home. Caroline soon packed a small bag and moved on to making up the Moses basket, putting the radiators on low, and closing the upstairs windows against the dampening afternoon air. Once those tasks had been done, they sat together at the breakfast bar to catch their breath and enjoy a hot drink while the bottles cooled enough to go in the fridge.

Caroline took the last sip of her tea before taking the car seat out to the Jeep and, checking the instruction leaflet for the umpteenth time, secured it on the back seat. Kate had spent hours on the internet, checking the various options of seats and the reviews, before they went to buy it. The manufacturers all claimed their offering to be the best, but Kate was adamant, this was the right one. The base itself remained secured once fitted, with the car seat itself clicking into and out of the base, easily but solidly. She dared to dream that Kate would be well enough to use and appreciate the wisdom of her choice before Flora moved on to the next sized seat.

When she returned to the house William was in her office and she could hear the whirr of the printer.

'You nearly ready, Will?'

'Just a minute, mum, please. I'm nearly done.'

'Take your time. I'm going to make some sandwiches to take with us and leave one for Lawrence. I want him to leave the Bolognese for us to eat together when we get back later. There's more than enough for four. I'm sure Ginika will want to join us after her last few days of enforced isolation.'

ooOoo

William helped his mum take the seat and bag into the hospital before saying that he wanted to have a walk rather than sit with Kate or Flora. He implied he wanted some time to speak with Roxy so Caroline thought little of his choice. Ginika was pleased to have the opportunity to stretch her legs in the fresh air and they walked together as far as the hospital's sensory garden, before William headed out of the complex and she retraced her steps. Caroline found the ICU eerily quiet after the excitement of the day and with Kate, unsurprisingly, remaining asleep, she soon found her own eyes closing and gave into some welcome rest.

An hour or so later William picked up three coffees from the hospital canteen before returning to Kate's ward. He giggled to himself on finding Ginika, Caroline and Kate all asleep. But it suited his purposes and, working quickly, he retrieved some items from his bag, within minutes placing a framed photo of Kate and Flora on Kate's table, easily within her eyeline when she woke again.

ooOoo

There was no further sign of Kate waking and by seven o'clock Caroline decided that they should make their way home. Although she was anxious at leaving Kate so early in the day, she also knew that it wouldn't be sensible to leave it any later before taking Flora home. As they always did, the ward staff promised that she would be phoned immediately if there was any change. She was then lifted by an updated plan of action. The speech and language therapist had asked to be paged the next time Kate was sufficiently alert so that a swallowing assessment could be made. The fact that Kate was beginning to vocalise appropriately and was seen to swallow instinctively, meant that she might be safe to take some fluids orally – a huge improvement and a sign of potential for further progress.

'Flora today, you soon, sweetheart.' Caroline murmured into Kate's ear as she hugged her goodnight. 'She'll be here to see you again tomorrow, I promise.'


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Once the car had been unloaded, they enjoyed reheated Bolognese with some quick-cook pasta, while Flora had her first use of the padded floormat. She seemed as mesmerised by the bright colours of the various animals dangling from the arches which crossed above her as the family cat was by the wriggling being who had invaded her territory.

Afterwards, Caroline engineered some time alone with her daughter, being thrilled at the realisation that this was how she thought of Flora and appreciating the opportunity to bathe her without an audience. She knew that she had not forgotten how to but she was highly aware of the passing of the years since the last time she had done so. Flora's face was a mixture of bewilderment and apprehension as the warm water enveloped her but she accepted the attention without any signs of tears. She did begin to whimper when Caroline lifted her out of the bath but was soon quiet again once cocooned in a fluffy, pale pink towel. Singing softly as she patted her dry Caroline could not stifle the smile that came to her lips and the tears that wet her eyelashes, her emotions cascading into each other.

'Welcome home, little one.' She whispered, kissing the wispy curls which seemed to have tightened since being washed. 'Welcome home.'

ooOoo

Kate slept like a baby that night, as the saying goes, while her darling daughter passed a reasonably settled first night in the nursery at Conway Drive, with William on a camp bed nearby. Caroline was intending to move the Moses basket into the master bedroom but William was adamant that he wanted to do what he could, while he could. His premise was a sensible one – he could sleep through Saturday if Flora kept him awake while Caroline could not unless she wanted to miss visiting Kate. He was confident that he was up to the task; however much he disliked changing nappies, he joked that nothing could be worse than sharing a bathroom with Lawrence.

As it was, perhaps because of the added attention and disruption to her routine the previous day, Flora woke for just one feed between midnight and seven in the morning, when William handed responsibility to an eager Caroline and Ginika, who had come through from the granny flat when she noticed that the kitchen light was on.

Ever the organiser, Caroline had insisted that all care given to Flora should be recorded so that everyone involved would have the information easily to hand. While she presented the idea as a sensible precaution to ensure continuity when several adults would be sharing responsibility for Flora, her ulterior motive was to keep a record of these early days for Kate. Quite simply, Caroline was trying to put herself in her wife's shoes and anticipate how she might feel in the future at having been absent from the daily care of her first-born. The record would give Kate a feel for the weeks and, possibly, months of which she played little part.

There had been many days in the past when Lawrence had shown unashamed animosity towards his mum and Kate, including his deliberate non-attendance at their wedding, but his attitude had undergone a complete U-turn in the weeks since the accident. This was demonstrated in the way he had taken on responsibility for decorating the cover of Flora's care record, covering it with intricate drawings of various items of baby equipment, as well as making a nameplate for the nursery door. His attention to detail spoke of love and welcome, so Caroline accepted his irreverent naming of 'Flora's food, fart and follow-through file' in the spirit in which it was made. While she suspected it would be a while before Lawrence wanted to be hands-on with his sister, she was grateful for the progress already made.

While Caroline changed Flora's nappy and Ginika warmed a bottle, they chatted about the need to organise their days now that they had a baby's needs to consider. This was a conversation that they had started the previous evening, agreeing that it would not be appropriate for Flora to spend all day, every day in an acute hospital ward. They also suspected that the ward's tolerance to such an intrusion would soon wear thin, especially as Kate continued to make progress.

'How do you feel about driving Kate's car? We can do something with the insurance.' Caroline suggested. 'It would give us some more flexibility.'

'I could do but I'd rather not, if I'm honest, Caroline. I haven't driven for some years, here or there. It's much easier to use public transport at home and Kate's always been my chauffeur when I visit England. I'm quite happy to take the bus or get a taxi if that's not workable.'

'That's understandable. It was just a thought. There's my mum and Alan, of course. They're coming back today and I know they'll be happy to help. Oh, by the way, and while we're on that, now that you're better you might want to move back into the house. They'd be happy for you to stay in the flat but although my mum means well, as you know, she's more um, shall we say palatable, in small doses!'

'Yes, I think that might be a good idea. I'd been thinking that anyway and I could always say it's so that I'm here to help with night feeds!' She smiled. 'Which I am, of course!'

'How shall we plan today, then?' Caroline cradled Flora in her right arm while she tried to test the temperature of the bottle one handed.

'Here, let me check that for you. It's fine, just right. I'll get you a muslin.' She crossed the kitchen to pick up a cloth and waited for Flora to settle on the bottle before continuing. 'How about if I go to see Kate late morning, so we're not under their feet during ward rounds. Unless they phone to say Kate's awake beforehand of course. You did say they've promised to let you know.'

Caroline looked up at Ginika's face, which was suddenly creased with anxiety. 'Yes, they will. Don't worry, they will. What were you suggesting?'

'Sorry, in some ways I feel more stressed than when Kate was unconscious. I guess I'd adjusted to that and now it's more unpredictable I'm on tenterhooks, desperate for things to progress more quickly and worried that they won't progress at all.' She sat next to her daughter-in-law and stroked Flora's cheek as it moved gently with each sucking action. 'Where were we?'

'So, you go to the hospital and sit with Kate and…?'

'I thought you might like to have a morning at home to settle Flora and spend time with the boys. If you want to, of course.' She looked apprehensively towards Caroline.

'Ginika, here's the thing. Trust me when I tell you that I can spot an interfering individual at twenty paces and you're not one. Thanks to my mother I've had a lifetime's experience. This isn't easy for either of us but it will be more difficult if we keep second-guessing the other's response. Ok?'

'Ok!' she replied positively.

'I would like that. I could drop you off if you like.'

'No, let's start as we need to go on. It doesn't make any sense for you to waste time ferrying me about. I'll ask one of the boys to help me sort out the bus. Will you bring Flora to the hospital later or leave her with your mum?'

Flora had come to a halt with her bottle, in that state of being half-asleep and half-full. Caroline knew she would need to persevere or she wouldn't settle properly. Carefully, lifting Flora into a supported sitting position on her lap she rubbed her back to bring up any trapped wind.

'This takes me back. As the years went by after I had Lawrence I never imagined for one minute that I'd ever have a daughter.'

'And I never dared to hope that Kate would have a child, that I'd be a grandma. Too much heartache, too many false hopes. We're probably both still in shock!' Ginika trailed an arm across her daughter-in-law's shoulders before she continued in a more sombre tone. 'It's so unfair that Kate's not able to care for Flora right now but I couldn't wish for anyone better than you to be doing so.'

The two women, united in their love for Kate and Flora and a growing respect and affection for each other, put their heads together in silence as Flora resumed her bottle.

Half an hour later, with Flora asleep in the nursery, Caroline jumped in the shower. She knew from the hospital nursery that Flora tended to sleep for at least two hours after her early morning feed but she took the baby monitor and phone into the en-suite, just in case. Dressing quickly, she was downstairs cleaning the kitchen before Ginika returned from the flat, her arms full.

'Has William finished with the washing machine? I've stripped my bed in the flat but don't want to leave the bedding for your mum.'

'That's fine, Ginika. You can put it straight in. Breakfast while the little one's asleep?'

'Yes, let's. Tea's ok first thing but I'll have coffee now. What about you? Toast and spreads, ok?'

They enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, without any interruption, while finalising their plans for the day. Lawrence bounded into the kitchen soon afterwards and the day began in earnest.

ooOoo

'Hello? Anyone about?' Celia's voice was a mixture of intensity and quiet, as she came into the kitchen from her flat. 'Caroline?' said with slightly more volume.

William appeared from the hallway.

'Mum's upstairs, Gran. She's getting Flora dressed. She said for you to go on up if you want to.' He kissed his grandmother on her cheek. 'You look nice. Seeing someone special?'

'This old thing?' she joked in reply, happy that her efforts had been recognised. 'For your benefit, of course!'

'Seriously? Gran?'

'I just thought I'd make an effort We don't see you that often and I didn't want you to think I'd let myself go to seed. Plus, it's not everyday that I welcome a new grandchild home, is it?'

William shook his head in amazement as he watched Celia head towards the stairs.

ooOoo

'Oh, you look nice, mum.'

Celia kissed her daughter and then bent to kiss Flora, who was lying on the bed next to a pile of baby clothes.

'Thank you. You look tired! What's going on here then?'

'I couldn't decide what to put her in. Now that's Kate's having time awake, it suddenly seemed like a major decision. Poor child, this is the third outfit I've tried on her. Is it ok?'

'Caroline, it's a pink Babygro!'

'I know, but I didn't know whether to go for a little dress and she has so many. Don't laugh at me!'

'I wasn't laughing! Couldn't you ask Ginika for a second opinion? Where is she, anyway? She isn't in the flat.'

'She's at the hosp…' Caroline's explanation was interrupted by her mobile. 'As if on cue, it's her.'

'Hi Ginika. How's Kate?'

Celia watched her daughter's face for any sign of a clue as to the news from Ginika.

'Oh, excellent. Can you put your phone to her ear for me, just for a minute, please? Thanks.' She put her phone on mute while she quickly spoke to Celia. 'She's awake again. The speech therapist is on her way to assess her.' She returned to her phone.

'Kate, good morning, sweetheart. I'm just getting Flora dressed and we'll be in. I hope you slept well.'

'Well. Flora?'

'Flora slept really well. Did your mum tell you that William did the night shift? He must have the magic touch.'

'Oh? Coming.'

'Yes, we are. We should be there before you've finished with the speech therapist. Love you.'

'Love you.'

Caroline picked her daughter up and handed her to Celia.

'Have a cuddle, mum, please while I pack a bag and get myself ready to leave.'

'So, Kate's talking ok, is she?'

Caroline stopped what she was doing.

'Why do you ask?'

'You said speech therapist. You said she's seeing the speech therapist.'

'Yes, that's right but it's about her swallow. The speech therapist assesses to see if she'll be safe to eat and drink.'

'Oh, that's a relief. I thought maybe she was having trouble with her speech. I read those leaflets that you sent me and even though Kate's brain injury was on the right side, it said there was still a chance of speech and communication problems.'

'No, she's fine, mum. Dry mouth is all.'

But, as she went into the en-suite to comb her hair, sudden doubts crossed her mind and she wracked her brain to recall all recent communications with her wife.


	6. Chapter 6

A/N I'm so sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. You would think that I had all the time in the world while we're in lockdown, wouldn't you?! It's a tough time for the world, that's for sure. Sending my best wishes to you all.

Chapter 6

Celia watched from the drive as Caroline drove away, her wave unacknowledged, before she took the side path to the back of the sprawling house. They had chatted amiably after the brief discussion in the bedroom but Celia sensed, correctly, that her question about Kate's speech had triggered a change in her daughter's demeanour. She had not pursued the topic, sensing that Caroline had enough on her plate without presumed negatives. However, the worry persisted in her own mind and she was quick to share her fears with Alan over the pot of coffee that awaited her in the granny flat.

'Lovely coffee, thank you. Proper coffee is one of the things I miss at the farm. We need to get a machine for there.' She took another prolonged sip before continuing. 'Caroline's headed off to visit Kate. Ginika is already there. She has taken Flora with her because Kate's awake. She's got an assessment by the speech therapy people right now.'

'Oh?' Alan put The Guardian to one side and gave Celia his full attention as she sat beside him. 'Speech therapist?'

'She said that they were just checking her swallow. I know they do that when someone's had a head injury just in case they can't. Swallow, that is. To make sure there's no risk of choking.'

'But you don't think that's all there is too it, obviously.' Alan looked anxiously at his wife as he spoke, trying to gauge how much her anxiety was establishing a problem where one didn't exist.

Celia made a futile attempt to wipe her lipstick from the rim of the thin porcelain cup before setting it down on the low, wooden side table.

'No, I don't. We haven't seen Kate awake, I grant you, but if you think about what Caroline has told us, there's a distinct lack of conversation from Kate..'

Alan interrupted, gently but firmly.

'She's been through the wars and then some, Celia. Apart from the brain injury and surgery she's been on a ventilator. Surely that's bound to have caused some difficulty. Kate has barely been awake so she's not going to be giving keynote speeches anytime soon. Don't you think that you're worrying for nowt? Besides, Caroline wouldn't lie to you.'

'No, she wouldn't and I'm not suggesting that she is but I do think she might be so relieved that Kate's awake that she's missing the obvious.' She stood abruptly and headed towards their bedroom. 'Help me look for those brain injury leaflets, please.'

ooOoo

The conversation with her mother echoed around her mind as she began the journey to the hospital, and she forced herself to focus on the positives. Kate was spending time awake; she seemed orientated to the here and now; she was weak but was moving all limbs; her hearing was intact. There was so much to be grateful for, she told herself, that it was not worth being stressed by what-ifs and maybes. She tried to think of the promises she had made to herself during the hours Kate was in surgery, specifically that she wouldn't worry about anything as long as Kate lived and became well enough to come home. Her heart still ached at the thought that Kate might so easily have been taken from her, and from Flora. But, however much she tried, she was unable to ignore the nagging dread. She acknowledged the truth to herself: her mother had voiced the thoughts that she had already formulated but had not dared to express.

Caroline knew that she needed to use her common sense, advice that she so frequently gave to her students, and formulate an action plan. Looking dispassionately at the problem gave her direction and she resolved to find some way to have a quiet chat with the speech therapist. Having made the decision, she determined to focus on her driving, which included tutting at red lights and berating every queue of traffic, in order to reach the hospital before the completion of the assessment. The ward sister had told her that the Speech Therapy department was one of the most in demand (and Caroline suspected, short-staffed) in the hospital system, so she surmised that the therapist would not have time to waste.

For once the parking gods appeared to be conspiring against her and she could not immediately find a parking spot but just as she began to panic, Flora whimpered and realisation hit – she could park in the parent and child section!

'You're a little star, Flora!' she laughed as she found space to park.

As she turned off the engine, realising how such little twists of circumstances either lifted or lowered her spirits, she allowed herself to acknowledge that Kate was not Flora's only vulnerable parent and that she needed to look after her own health if she was to make it through to the end of the journey that fate had mapped out for them.

She mentally prepared strategies to deal with all possibilities as she pushed the buggy purposefully across the car park and into the hospital. Her concern that she might be too late was unfounded as the therapist, a young woman called Lindy with the most enormous smile, was still writing in Kate's notes as Caroline entered the cubicle. Lindy's natural smile broadened even more as she recognised the importance of the two arrivals and she held out her hand to Caroline while glancing at the sleeping Flora.

'Hi. I'm Lindy Mackness, the SALT allocated to Kate. You must be Caroline and this beauty must be Flora. Kate told me that you were on your way.'

'What? She did?' Caroline blurted out before she could stop herself and her incredulity was evident in those three short words.

'She did and I've told Kate that there's nothing I can do that would improve her situation more than you three.' Lindy looked from Ginika to Caroline and Flora as she spoke. 'I've tested her swallow, as asked and as is hospital policy, and Kate has managed perfectly well with pureed and soft foods. She has a minor but common difficulty in the coordination of her tongue and I have prescribed a small amount of thickener in drinks, just for the time being. Thickener isn't the most pleasant thing, cold drinks will be more palatable than hot, but it will reduce the risk of aspiration. I am confident Kate will be able to manage normal fluids and diet within a short time. I'll see her again in a week. I hope that reassures you.'

Lindy returned her attention to Kate's notes and signed her name under the entry.

'Now, if you'll excuse me, I have another appointment. Kate, it was lovely to meet you and your darling daughter. Carry on as discussed and I'll see you again soon.'

'Be back in a minute Kate. I've realised that I left Flora's bag in the car.' Caroline excused herself and followed Lindy out of the cubicle, leaving Ginika to care for Flora.

'Lindy, excuse me. Can I stop you for a minute?'

Lindy looked around at the throng of staff and visitors and directed Caroline into an empty office.

'The ward staff told me that you might want a chat, privately.'

'Oh, sorry, it seems that my reputation from Kate's early days here has not been forgotten.' she replied sheepishly.

'No need to be sorry. I understand that what is an everyday occurrence for me is an anxious time for patients and families. How can I help?'

'I'm glad Kate's swallow is ok. That's a great relief, of course, and thank you, but what about her speech?'

'What about it, exactly?' Lindy's professionalism and experience told her not to voice her expectations of Caroline's worries.

'Is there a problem? I guess I mean, is there anything not working properly?'

'Take a seat. And, no, that doesn't mean there's a problem and I'm preparing you for bad news but I'm on my feet a lot and if you sit down then I feel that I can too.'

They both sat on threadbare office chairs, surrounded by numerous computers, printers and mountains of files. The drabness of the environment was evident and Caroline found herself comparing it to her office at Sulgrave. Not for the first time she acknowledged the vast difference in the two worlds.

'So, you've had the leaflets about brain injury generally and the individual ones about possible consequences?' Caroline nodded so Lindy continued. 'They're meant to give general advice but they're limited. They cannot possibly convey all the possibilities, just some likely scenarios. No two people are the same after brain injury because no two people are the same before. I hope that doesn't come across as too condescending but it's an important factor that cannot be understated.'

Caroline shifted uneasily in her chair, wondering how best to express her fears. She felt her throat tighten and she battled to prevent the tears that still threatened at inopportune moments. She was grateful that her professional capability kicked in just as it was needed.

'We're so grateful that Kate has got this far. We know how close we came to losing her and as much as I'd like to sit here and say that it doesn't matter if Kate's speech is affected, that would almost certainly be a lie. Her language skills are a major part of her. She is a language teacher, after all. Truth is, I am used to being in control and I'm out of my depth with this. What I do know is that I cope better with knowing the worst-case scenario rather than having it jump up and bite me unawares. I know you're tight for time and I don't want to waste it. Please, if you can, just answer me one question. What's the likelihood that Kate will not regain her previous level of communication?'

'That says you feel Kate is not communicating as she used to. Even without knowing the 'before' Kate I know that is the case but, and it's a very big 'but', it is still incredibly early days. The injury itself, the surgery and the ventilator may all have had an effect. I stress the word 'may'. What I will say is that Kate's level of understanding seems intact. She seems aware of what is expected in conversation and is replying appropriately, albeit using quite simple language. That's not always the case. For instance, and I know this is covered in the language leaflet, it is common for patients to struggle with answering questions, even those requiring a simple yes or no. When asked if they take sugar in tea, as an example, they might understand the question and know the right answer but still say the opposite of what they mean to say. So, even though most of these patients will overcome that issue in time, the fact that Kate has not started her journey with that difficulty is a positive. She does echo speech a little, you may have noticed. Again, this is quite typical after brain injury and you could look on it as a way for Kate to practise using language again. As she is awake more and experiences a more normal life, so I fully expect her communication skills to improve. That is why I said that you, Flora and Kate's mum will do more for her than I can do. Does that help?'

Caroline noticed Lindy take a surreptitious glance at her watch and knew that she should not be detained any longer.

'It does, thank you. You've been really kind and helpful.'

Lindy put a hand on Caroline's shoulder as she stood, her smile once again her dominant feature.

'I'm sure it will have been said to you before but the best thing for you all is that you focus on the positives, celebrate the progress, however small. Some people find it helpful to keep a diary, a log of capabilities, if you will. It's often the case that you lose sight of what ground has been gained but if you look back – occasionally – at where you have been, it will help you appreciate the ground that you've gained. Recovery from brain injury is a marathon and not a sprint. Now, I'm sorry but I really must go.'

ooOoo

Meanwhile, Flora was having another cuddle with her adoring mum and Ginika took some more photographs to send to family and friends. The support of other people had been invaluable and she was sure that they would appreciate seeing the progress as well as hearing about it.

'Good to eat.' Kate whispered; her voice still hoarse from being on the ventilator. 'Banana. Not Flora!' she added, then laughed at her own joke. Ginika chuckled with her daughter and it was to this scene that Caroline returned, entering the frivolity of the moment, not needing to know why in order to do so.

ooOoo

So began the real start of Kate's journey back to health. Within a week she had resumed a more normal sleep/wake pattern and as the speech therapist had indicated, she continued to make progress with her ability to swallow. She had lost weight since the accident and her face continued to show the most obvious sign of this. On her return visit the speech therapist prescribed some protein supplement drinks to help as eating made Kate tired and she found it difficult to consume enough calories through diet alone.

Within ten days of her first period of consciousness Kate was told that she was well enough to be transferred to a bed in a less acute ward. While she knew she would miss the familiarity of the ICU, a transfer out of there was another step towards home and she celebrated that fact.

Once on a general ward, the physiotherapists continued to visit Kate daily and were pleased with her progress. She was spending time out of bed each day and managed to transfer with minimal assistance from the staff. She had taken the odd step but for Kate progress was too slow.

'Need to walk.' She insisted one morning when two of the physios appeared by her bed. 'I need walk.'

The younger one, a gangly newly qualified young man, couldn't suppress a smile.

'That's us told, and no mistake. I can tell you're a teacher!' he chuckled in his broad Yorkshire accent.


	7. Chapter 7

A/N What a world eh? Stay strong and safe, my friends.

Chapter 7

Flora's settled first night at Conway Drive proved not to be a fluke and while Kate continued to make progress in the hospital, her baby's placid nature made it relatively easy for Caroline to adapt to having a new-born in the house once more. In fact, Flora was the first baby there under Caroline's care, as William and Lawrence had come along when money was not quite so plentiful and they spent their early years in a cramped terraced house with few of the advantages the family now enjoyed. Not for the first time Caroline appreciated the spaciousness of their current surroundings and the benefits of the equipment modern life and money provided. On rainy days washing could be dried in the machine and many modern fabrics did not require ironing; Lawrence had his own space to be noisy and not disturb his sister; on the odd day when life was too busy or they were over-tired, a nutritious meal could be conjured up fairly effortlessly courtesy of the freezer and microwave.

Ginika decided that she would not return to the States to live and work. She was old enough to draw her pension and felt the time was right to do so. It was an option that she had toyed with since Kate's pregnancy had passed its first trimester, and nearly losing her daughter was a wake-up call that she did not need hearing twice. Besides, having seen Flora every day she did not wish to exchange that joy for a relationship continued via Skype and an occasional visit. A good friend from her University had offered to take responsibility for clearing the apartment but she did need to pay a visit to pack her personal belongings and complete various legal documents. Having resigned with immediate effect and given notice on her lease, time was tight.

'I think that's a good thing, Ginika. You should go sooner rather than later anyway.' Caroline prompted while they were discussing the options with Kate during a visit.

'If you're sure that's ok.' Ginika did not want to suggest that Caroline would not cope without her but she knew that her help was appreciated.

'Go, mum. I'm home soon. Need more you then.'

Caroline went to correct Kate's wording but stopped herself just in time. Kate had wept a few times in frustration when she got things wrong and that had brought home to everyone how painful a journey this was for the previously fiercely independent, loquacious woman. As it was, a frown fell across Kate's brow and she held up a finger, as if to admonish herself as well as to deter intervention from her visitors.

'Like new language!' she continued, in exasperation. 'NEED YOU MORE THEN.'

'Well, you might although you've made some remarkable progress since you left the ICU, Kate.' Her mum reminded her. 'You're now walking quite a few steps without help and you're getting stronger every day. Have they said any more about when you'll be discharged?'

'Next week. Should be next week.' Kate said slowly, as if to make sure that she got the words right at the first time of trying. Her delight at her achievement was evident in her smile.

Indeed, Kate was making excellent progress. She could now manage fluids without adding thickener and she was walking a few steps around her bed without any assistance at all. She used the arm of another person for longer distances as the many weeks of inactivity had severely weakened her muscles and reduced her stamina. While she continued to have input from the physiotherapy team, she was her own motivator and trainer, carrying out exercises without their presence or prompting. The occupational therapy team had carried out an assessment at Conway Drive and she would be discharged home once a few small items of bathroom equipment had been delivered. The stairs would continue to be a difficulty as Kate had firmly vetoed the installation of a chair lift. The OT team agreed it would not be a quick process to arrange and nobody wanted to prolong her stay in hospital; the likelihood was that she would have progressed enough not to need it by the time it was installed.

'I'd better book my flight, then!' Ginika replied. 'You coming home will be a red-letter day and I want to be back in time to witness it.'

'Will you be able to bring everything back on the plane with you?' Caroline queried, to divert the conversation away from Kate's impending homecoming.

'To be honest, my business suits and work clothes might as well go to a charity shop because I won't wear them here. That's the bulk of my wardrobe. There's quite a lot of photos but few ornaments. I really changed how I lived when I went there and deliberately haven't collected much over the years, always intending to move back to England when the time was right. My books can go to the University library. So, a few suitcases will probably suffice.'

'My loft.' Kate interjected.

'Oh, yes, I left some things in your loft, didn't I? I forgot about that. You've moved a couple of time since. What's happened to them?'

'The loft above your current bedroom!' Caroline laughed.

ooOoo

Ginika arranged her flights, giving herself less than 3 days in America to get the practicalities done, aiming to be back in Harrogate before Kate was discharged if that particular timescale stayed in place. On the day of her departure, less than twenty-four hours after the decision had been made, Caroline drove her to Manchester airport, having left Flora in the care of Celia and Alan. After a quick goodbye at the drop-off zone Caroline headed back to Harrogate and time with Kate.

Visiting regulations were strictly enforced now that Kate was off ICU, and that included a ban on children coming onto the ward. Fortunately, Kate's improving health meant that she could spend time away from her bed and the dry, warm spring weather enabled the use of the courtyard garden. Caroline was pleased to see the noticeable shape and colour of the Lexus as she pulled into the hospital car park and she called her mother once she had parked the Jeep.

'Hi mum. I've seen your car in the car park. Where are you?'

'We're just picking up some coffees and cakes from the café and then we'll head to the garden. Is Kate with you?'

'No, not yet. I'm just leaving the car now. I shouldn't be long. I know Kate will be ready.'

'That's good. See you soon then. Bye, Bye, bye.'

Caroline's confidence was not misplaced and Kate was indeed ready and waiting for her to arrive, sitting in a wheelchair in the patient lounge area at the front of the ward.

'Well, you're an eager beaver and no mistake, Kate. I almost walked right by you. Our little beauty will be in the garden by the time we get there.'

'That's good. My mum ok?'

Caroline pushed up the sleeve of her olive-green blouse to look at her watch.

'She was there in plenty of time and should be called to the gate around now. It sounds like she hasn't texted you yet?'

Kate checked her dressing gown pocket and pulled a face.

'Maybe!' she giggled.

'No phone?'

'No phone. Can you get it?'

'Yes, of course.' She bent her knees with the intention of greeting Kate with a hug but was surprised to feel Kate's hand grab at her neck and pull her into a sexually charged kiss, their first such encounter since the accident. Both shocked and embarrassed she pulled away from Kate's embrace before looking behind them, pleased to see that there was no audience. When she returned her gaze to Kate it was clear that her rejection had wounded, tears pooling in Kate's eyes, and she knew instantly that she needed to make amends.

'Sorry, Kate. Goodness, that took me by surprise. Here, let's try that again.' She leaned forward to resume the kiss but Kate held her right palm up towards her wife while she wiped her tears on the back of her left hand.

'No, my fault. I'm sorry, Caroline. I didn't think. Can you get my phone?'

As she spoke Kate sensed that her words were flowing rather more effortlessly than they usually did and she made a mental note to think about that when she had time to herself. She also knew that her apology was false; she had not been sorry, at all, having set out to test a theory about Caroline's behaviour towards her. Since the consultant had begun to discuss her return home, Kate had sensed a change in Caroline's attitude, just small incidences, insignificant individually but when combined they were enough to make her question the reason. Caroline was as attentive as ever, in person and when they were apart. As they had done in the early days of their relationship, they always ended the day with a chat on the phone and there was no shortage of affection when together but, Kate concluded, it seemed rather mechanical and routine. Caroline's response to the kiss confirmed her fear and she was pleased that she could have a few moments to compose herself before they headed to the garden. Flora might not notice her mum's disquiet but Kate knew that not much escaped Celia's antennae.

Caroline was also pleased that she had an excuse to be on her own and without further discussion she headed to Kate's bay to collect the phone. The truth was that they had little time to themselves since the accident and certainly no opportunity to discuss how things might be once Kate was back home. They were either within earshot of a member of staff, other patients or visitors. One thing she had not done was dare to think about Kate in any way as a sexual being. Her fragility had shaken Caroline to the core and although she went to bed each night longing for Kate's arms to enfold her, she had supressed any sexual thoughts or desire. She still adored her wife, there was no doubt about that, but she had an overwhelming fear that she might hurt Kate, physically, when it came to making love with her and she felt too embarrassed to talk to anyone or seek advice. She felt that it was irresponsible and crass to even think about it, let alone give voice to the issue. So, almost subconsciously, she had pushed those thoughts away but it was, no doubt, this distancing that Kate had felt. Of course, Caroline knew nothing of Kate's rationale, assuming her consistency in visiting and showing affection was enough to mask the subjugation of other feelings.

Kate's phone in hand she began the journey back to the ward entrance, so deep in thought that she failed to hear her name being called and was only pulled from her reverie when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

'Hello again.'

'Hello.' Caroline responded as she turned in the direction of the speaker, while wracking her brain to remember the woman who stood in front of her.

'You ok?' the friendly voice continued. 'I hear Kate's doing well. I happened to see her name on the ward board and I thought I'd say hello but she's not around.'

'No, Kate's out front. We're just on our way to the garden.' Caroline explained by nodding her head in the direction of the ward entrance. Just in time to avoid embarrassing herself, she realised that the smiling woman in front of her was the Speech and Language Therapist. 'She's doing really well, Lindy, and she'll be discharged soon. Come and say hello if you've got time. I know she'll be happy to see you.'

'I've got to head to another ward so I'll walk with you and say hello on the way. I'm pleased to hear Kate's ok but how are you? You seem distracted, or tired maybe. I guess that's inevitable with all you have had on your plate. Life will get back to normal, one day.'

With that Caroline's resolve crumbled and she began to cry, silently.

'Oh dear, I'm sorry. I meant to reassure. Here, let me get you a tissue.'

Lindy put a reassuring hand on Caroline's arm and handed her a box of hospital-issue face tissues. The tears evaporated as quickly as they came; she pulled back her shoulders and held her head more erect to look directly at a frowning Lindy.

'Oh, what must you think of me? So sorry. What a fool. Ignore me. I'm fine.'

'I don't think you are but it's not my place to pry. Can I just remind you that you've barely started the journey of recovery and I hope you'll make sure you look after yourself as well as Kate and the baby. New babies are full-on without having the added trauma that you've had over the last weeks.' Lindy hesitated as if considering her words carefully. 'Please don't ignore your feelings.' With that she tore a strip of paper off the pad she was carrying and wrote down a number. 'Just in case you need a listening ear or have questions, about anything, you might want to contact this team. Just in case you don't have their number already.'

She grasped Caroline's hand and left the note in her palm.

'Right, let's go and check on your wife.' She continued cheerfully, her smile back on her face.

Lindy left to go to her next appointment after a brief chat with Kate, reassuring her that she would visit one more time before discharging her into the care of the community SALT team. Caroline placed Lindy's note into her handbag while Kate checked her phone.

'Text from mum. Called to gate on time.' She smiled up at Caroline, as if seeking re-connection.

Caroline smiled and put a hand on Kate's cheek. 'That's good. It's a long enough journey without delays. Shall we head off?'

So, they made their way to the garden; two women slaves to their individual thoughts and fears, both realising that the staircase at Conway Drive was not the only obstacle they had left to overcome.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

'I'd better get off, Celia.' Alan whispered, so as not to wake Flora who had been fractious since arriving at the hospital but who was now sleeping soundly, cuddled up with her mum.

'Is it that time already? Ok, see you later. Oh, no. you said tomorrow, didn't you?' his wife replied. 'And I don't know why you're whispering. If that noise from the family over yon isn't enough to wake her, nothing will until she's hungry again.' She pulled a face before looking towards her daughter. 'He's taking Harry to the dentist. Stupid bugger has put up with a problem for months, then made an appointment which he cancelled, and surprise, surprise, he woke up this morning with a face as big as a football and he can't see to drive.' Then she dismissed Alan with a caution, 'Don't let him dribble in the Lexus.'

'Oh, poor Harry.' Caroline chimed in, pleased to have a different topic of conversation. 'You'll be coming home with me then, mum.'

After Alan's early, solo, departure Kate looked on as her two remaining adult visitors continued to discuss Harry and his predicament. Like Caroline, she was pleased that they were chatting, however briefly, about something other than her discharge from hospital. Celia had been like a dog with a bone from the start, commenting on each practicality, however small. The problem with that was, with every remark and however well-meaning, she brought home to Kate how far removed she had become from life at Conway Drive and how much progress she would need to make in order to make a valuable contribution to the running of the house. Her relationship with Celia had rarely been a positive one and, despite an occasional truce, in the forefront of her mind was the recent debacle when Celia had refused to attend the wedding, the day before Kate's accident. At the time Kate had encouraged Caroline to stay strong, devastated as she was about the rejection and humiliation, while hiding her own sense of hurt. Although Celia had attempted to explain her actions away by blaming Alan and the shock at learning of his affair when married to his first wife, Kate remained sceptical about her mother-in-law's sincerity towards her. Although there was nothing in Celia's attitude which added fuel to this feeling, she remained alert and suspicious, unable to discuss it with Caroline who seemed to have mended the rift.

Kate had faced various obstacles and heartaches in the past without breaking step. Now, she was aware that it did not take much to move her to tears. Unbeknown to anyone she had discussed her mental health with the doctors, expressing anxiety about going home and her fear that she would not cope with the way her life had changed once out of the bubble and support of the hospital. She had been reassured that what she was feeling was perfectly understandable and relatively common, especially after brain injury. She had been assured of support through her GP, ongoing physiotherapy, and regular follow-up appointments at the hospital for the first year, at least. Kate had persisted in her concerns and, although the doctors had been reluctant to prescribe antidepressants, they had arranged an assessment counselling session to take place before Kate's discharge. Looking on at her visitors she felt excluded, an audience of one watching a play which would have been performed with or without her presence, and she was comforted to know that her mum would not be absent for long.

A further diversion was provided about an hour after Alan's departure by the unscheduled arrival of a physiotherapist who explained that she had some free time before the end of her shift and knew that Kate was always a keen volunteer for an extra session. She had been informed by the ward staff where Kate could be found and quickly explained the situation.

'Don't feel obliged, Kate, as I hate to disturb your visiting time but the hydrotherapy pool is free for the next hour too and that might be of benefit.'

Kate's eyes lingered for a while on the sleeping Flora and all around could see that she was finding the decision difficult.

'Shall I see if I can book the pool for tomorrow instead?' the physio continued, half turning away.

'No, go now.' Kate decided. 'Maybe tomorrow too!' she added quickly.

'If you're sure.'

'Yes, sure. Need to get stronger. For Flora.'

Flora was passed to Celia while Kate and Caroline exchanged the briefest of hugs and within a few minutes the visit was at an end as they went their separate ways.

ooOoo

'Kate seemed quiet.' Celia commentated as Caroline finished stowing the pram in the Jeep's boot. 'I suppose that's to be expected. With so little time to spend with Flora she doesn't want to waste time on our chatter. I'm sure she'll be better once she's home. What a time it has been for you both. God, I don't know what's worse; having to climb to get in this car or having to nearly break my hip to bend into the Lexus. Kate won't manage it, will she?'

'Won't manage what, mum?' her daughter replied absent-mindedly, as she settled herself behind the steering wheel.

'This car. The height of it. You're not thinking to use it to get Kate home, are you?' she rebuked, despite Caroline not having made comment.

'What?' she appeared perplexed, despite having heard what Celia had said. 'I don't follow. Sorry.'

'This car. I almost need a pulley. I was asking how you thought you'd manage to get Kate in here. If she can't manage your stairs, is she going to be able to manage the step?'

'I don't know, mum. I haven't thought.' Caroline pushed her seat backwards so she could have a check on Flora and avoid her mum's interrogating for a while longer.

While Celia had frequently struggled to consider her daughter's feelings, it was not for lack of perception and she sensed, as she had done all afternoon, that there was something amiss with both Kate and Caroline.

'You alright, love? With Alan at Harry's until tomorrow I can stay in William's room and help with Flora overnight if you'd like, to make up for Ginika not being here. You seem tired.'

Caroline scooted her chair back into the correct position and fitted her seat belt. She looked kindly towards her mum, grateful for her overture if not the interrogation.

'That's a kind offer, mum, but we're ok. I'm ok. Why don't you stay for dinner and help with her before bed, if you want, but she'll only wake once after I go to bed and I'm used to that now. Ginika did last night so I'm not too tired.'

'Ok not too tired but weary and worried then, I'd say. If anyone knows you, it's me, and I'd recognise those signs with a blindfold on.'

'As you say, mum, it's been a tough time and the journey has barely started. So, yes, weary and maybe a little worried but I keep telling myself to look back at how far we've come. If you remember, in the early days we were advised to keep a diary and I have done, meticulously every night. They said we might need to have the reassurance of how much progress Kate made, and they were right.'

'I'd forgotten but it's good that you've done it and, you know what, I bet there's very few who've been on the same journey with the added worry of a new-born. Does Kate feel anxious about coming home?'

Caroline put the car into gear and checked her rear-view mirror.

'I don't know, mum. I haven't asked her,' her tone dismissing any thoughts Celia might have about continuing the conversation.

ooOoo

'You clear the table, Lawrence, then I'll load the dishwasher. I know you'd rather not do both tasks.' Celia directed her grandson, making it clear that it was the only offer available.

Caroline had gone upstairs to bathe Flora, an activity fast becoming the favourite part of the day for them both. Child-rearing advice had changed numerous times over the years since William and Lawrence were babies and although Caroline adhered to the newer advice to safeguard Flora's health, she did not see any reason to change her belief that babies thrive with routine. Therefore, Flora had a bath every night before getting her sleepsuit on and having a bottle. Although she would have another feed in the early hours, that one would be done without fanfare, hoping that Flora would begin to have some sense of the difference between night and day.

Flora was six weeks old and starting to smile, which warmed the heart of all who were graced with such response. Caroline was the one to receive most of these precious gifts but however much she appreciated the privilege, she longed for the time when Kate elicited more. As usual Caroline talked to Flora when she began to get her ready for the bath, her tone rather more upbeat than her real feelings.

'Mummy's coming home soon, Flora. Yes! Your lovely mum; your mummy. So, what shall we call me, then, eh? We'll have to think of something won't we. Now, what's that face for? Yes, what's it for?' the giggle in her voice soon persuaded Flora to dispense with the frown that often came when she was being dressed or undressed. 'Time for your bath in a minute. It is, you sweet thing. That's better, my favourite girl has the best smile. You're so beautiful, just like your mum, Flora, just like your mum.'

On a whim Caroline decided to contact Kate and include her in the bath-time ritual. She was desperate to connect with her wife and did not want to wait until bedtime. She also hoped that the spontaneity of the call might give them both the lift that the afternoon's visit and its abrupt ending had not.

'Hi Kate. There's someone who wants to say hello to you.'

She turned the phone's camera so that Kate could see Flora, now wrapped in a fluffy towel.

'Hope you can hear me, Kate. I'll prop the phone so you can talk to little one while I check the temperature of her bath.'

'I can hear. Thank you. What a lovely surprise.'

Once Caroline was confident that the water was ok and that everything was to hand in the bathroom, she returned to the bedroom to lay alongside Flora so she could see Kate.

'How was hydrotherapy?'

'Enjoyed it. Physio said good way to get stronger.'

'I'm so pleased you had that chance even though it meant we missed the rest of visiting time. I thought it was really kind of the physio to make it happen.'

'It was, she is. Flora going to have hydrotherapy now!' Kate laughed.

'She is. I wondered if you want to watch?'

'Oh yes, can I?'

'I think so. The filming might be rather amateur as there's just me up here but I'll do my best.' She smiled at her wife.

'I'll be there soon, Caroline.'

'Yes, darling, you will be. I can't wait.' Caroline hoped that her apprehension was masked by the positivity of her words.

The experiment was more successful than anticipated as the toilet-roll holder proved a good prop for the phone, at the right height to capture Flora. The coordination of filming and childcare proved too much for Caroline to manage when the bath came to an end and she had an uncooperative, slippery baby to contend with so Kate ended the call as Caroline took Flora through to the bedroom, with a promise to ring back before the ward settled down for the night.

Caroline left a dried and dressed Flora content in the middle of her bed as she returned to the bathroom to give it a quick tidy and collect her phone before going downstairs. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she pulled the plug on the baby bath, shocked at how gaunt she looked.

'No wonder Lindy and mum could see right through me today,' she whispered. 'How am I going to care for Kate if I can't even care for myself?'

Continuing to stare at her reflection, she combed fingers through her fringe, the blonde hair uncharacteristically lifeless despite the attention that she made sure to give it each morning.

Returning to the bedroom she leaned over a contented baby.

'At least you're on an even keel and I need to find a way to get myself sorted too, don't I? Sooner rather than later, that's for sure. Now, that's between you and me, Flora, by the way. Come on, Gran will have your bottle ready, with a bit of luck.'

ooOoo

Celia did not stay long after Flora fell asleep, much to Caroline's relief. She wanted to get a few chores done and have a bath so she would be ready for an early night. Bottles sterilised, fresh feeds made and washing machine on, she went into the lounge to see Lawrence before heading to her bedroom. Rummaging in her bag to find some money that he needed for the following day she found the scrap of paper with the phone number that Lindy had given her, although she did not initially recognise what it was.

'What?' She whispered but it was loud enough for Lawrence to hear.

'My bus fare and McD's money, mum. I told you.'

'What? Oh, no I know that. Sorry, thinking out loud. Here's a twenty and I expect the change. Please listen out for your sister for the next half an hour while I'm in the bath and don't be late to bed yourself, Lawrence.' She kissed the top of his head without expecting a reaction and threw the slip of paper in the waste bin on her way out of the room.

'Mum?' Lawrence called her back.

'Don't tell me that's not enough!' Caroline rested against the door frame.

'No, it's plenty. I just wanted to ask you if you were ok. You seemed sad, earlier, when Gran was here. Is Kate ok?'

She breathed in deeply and returned to sit next to him on the sofa, patting his knee as she did so.

'She's doing really well. You haven't seen her for a while, have you? She's walking more each day and, well, it's just a miracle. She's had extra physio today in the pool and that will help her get stronger and ready for home.'

'Then why do you look like you've lost a shilling and found a penny, whatever a shilling is? Don't give me any BS, mum.'

Caroline smiled despite herself.

'No flies on you, lad, is there? Shilling is a coin that we had before we went decimal, worth twelve old pennies.'

'Yeah, whatever, but it's not answering my question, is it?'

'No, I don't suppose it is, Lawrence. I don't suppose it is.'

Lawrence knew when further attempts at conversation were futile and he returned his concentration to the Xbox. Caroline kissed him again, retrieved the phone number from the bin and continued her way upstairs.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N Sorry, yet again, for the delay. I've been rather caught up with my new baby grandson so I'm sure you'll forgive me!

Chapter 9

'There is trouble in my mind, there is dark, there is dark and there is light ..' Caroline sang along to the ring tone as she walked around the kitchen island to retrieve her phone from her bag, knowing Ginika to be the caller. The Wallflowers' song in no way reflected her relationship with her mother-in-law, it was quite simply a song that she loved and she had chosen it for Ginika's ring tone for that reason alone.

Ginika had been away for two nights and was due to begin her journey back to UK later that day. Caroline looked at her watch as she answered.

'Hi Ginika. How's it going? You're up early for someone who has a long day ahead of them.'

'It's not so much as being up early as still being up! Two days back here hasn't been enough to get my body clock back in US time so I'm just going with the flow. I'll probably sleep on the plane.'

'Have you managed to sort everything out?'

'Put it this way, theory and practice don't always match but it's done now! How are you all?'

Caroline's eyes were drawn to the baby monitor on the dining room table. Flora had gone back to her cot after her first proper daytime feed and all was quiet.

'Reading between the lines it sounds as if things weren't plain sailing. Hope you're not too tired. As for us, Flora's asleep and I am making the most of my time before she wakes up. I haven't seen mum and Alan since yesterday but they're both ok. Kate's fine. Have you spoken to her today?'

'No, I didn't get an answer when I phoned her mobile about half an hour ago so I tried the hospital. They said she was off the ward so I assume she's having physio in the gym or pool.'

'No, I don't think so. She had another hydrotherapy session yesterday just before we visited and the physios said they wouldn't be able to see her today at all, which is fair enough because she's had more than her fair share of their time recently. I wonder what she's doing. Oh well, we'll find out soon enough. But don't worry, she's ok and I'll get her to ring you later.'

'That's great, thanks. I leave for the airport at four o'clock, your time. I've packed everything that I'm keeping. Josie has arranged a truck to take everything that's left, the day after tomorrow I think, although there's no hurry as I'll be paying rent for the next few weeks.

'It seems like an age since you left. We're all missing you. By the way, are you sure you don't want me to meet you at the airport? Mum and Alan have offered to have Flora at the flat for the night.'

'That I do not. I'm not having you get up in the night for me. I've already booked a taxi. They've promised to keep an eye on the flight and to be there by the time I get through baggage reclaim and all the checks. I've used them before on the odd occasion that Kate couldn't meet me.'

'If you're sure. I'll be up and about with the kettle on when you arrive then!'

'Oh, that's my doorbell; I had better go. I'll speak to you and Kate later before I take off. Please kiss Flora for me and don't work too hard. Bye.'

'I will and won't! Bye, bye.'

ooOoo

Meanwhile at the hospital Kate was not having physio, as Caroline rightly judged. The psychotherapist had rushed through an appointment for Kate. Having introduced himself Dr Simpson made sure Kate was physically comfortable, with water and tissues close to hand. He went on to explain that it was not uncommon for ICU patients to have some form of counselling, especially after being in a coma and, in some instances, this need did not manifest itself until weeks or months after the event. The patients often had no memory of the reasons for the treatment provided and, often, the time immediately before whatever trauma they had faced. He reassured her that having time unaccounted for and being reliant on other people to fill in the gaps of your life, was not an insignificant matter and it was understandable that support might be needed to make sense of it all. For some patients there was the need for help with their mental health as they dealt with life-changing injuries which often affected their careers, living arrangements and relationships as well as their physical health.

The consultant was kindly but championed a no-nonsense approach. He was aware that Google lurked as a harbinger of doom for the uninformed and he passionately believed it was better for his patients to hear accurate information from him even if it was not always easy listening. He did not believe that facts in themselves had potential to harm and receiving them from a qualified, living being was likely to reduce the need for desperate searches on the internet in the early hours of a sleep-deprived night.

Adrian Simpson had the look of someone who cared little for his appearance apart from his abundance of dark, wavy hair, which was immaculately styled and could have held its own as a recommendation for numerous styling products in any fashion magazine. Quite bizarrely, the first thing that Kate noticed after his firm handshake (and the hair) was that his two blazer buttons were different colours and the third was missing, a long thread hanging accusingly. It all added to an air of approachability and she liked him instantly, for the sincerity in his greeting and the eye contact that he didn't hesitate to give without making her feel under scrutiny.

'But that's enough of the textbook. Oh, perhaps I shouldn't say that to a teacher!' he smiled as he spoke. 'Would you mind saying where you think you're at and explain in your own words why you asked to be seen? Is it ok with you if I take notes? I have a good memory but I would like to jot down odd words as we go along, especially if it's something that I might ask you to expand on later.'

Kate replied that she was happy for him to take notes and then paused. She looked over his right shoulder towards the shelving behind him, full of unevenly arranged tomes as casual as their owner. Sensing that she was harnessing her thoughts, he did not prompt or encourage and within a few seconds Kate began to answer his question.

'Well, I know that I'm making progress. I need time to get thoughts out. That's complicated but getting better. I find it hard, harder than the change to my other physical problems, no, my physical ability. I can't just, um, spurt things out. Although sometimes I can. Sometimes I worry that I might embarrass myself.' Kate twirled a tissue around her finger as she considered how to explain herself.

'Sometimes but not always?' he interrupted, his intuition immediately picking up on something relevant that might need further explanation.

'Not now.' She paused again. 'Well, sometimes.' Kate looked close to tears and she realised for the first time – or, rather, acknowledged to herself for the first time – that the times she struggled with the fear of embarrassment was when she was with her wife. She was aware that the consultant had spoken.

'Sorry, I was thinking.'

'That's fine. It's often the case that people find their own way through the maze and all they need is space to do just that. I'm happy to just sit if you don't want to talk for a while.'

'Can I ask a personal question?' Kate amazed herself at her impudence.

'You can ask, Kate, but I may choose not to answer!'

'It was just. Ah, I wondered if you were married. I am, did you know?'

'Yes, I did. The referral form details a few personal bits of information, marital status being one of them.'

'One day. Then the accident. Now this.' Kate swept her hand across the scar on her forehead and then down towards her feet.

He made the first note on his blank page.

'And a baby. Flora. She nearly died too.' Kate dabbed at her nose with her screwed-up tissue.

He made a further note on the page as well as a mental note to speak to the person who had completed the referral form, which made no mention of these pertinent facts.

'So, you are a new wife and a new mum.'

It was a statement and not a question but Kate answered it as if it were.

'Yes. Caroline. My wife. New baby and soon me. To care for.'

'Was your wife in the accident too?'

'No, just me. Bloody driver was going too fast. I don't remember the accident but that is what I was, have been, told. I remember leaving the house then waking up…. here.'

'And Flora, how is she now?'

'Beautiful!' Kate could not supress the beaming smile that had a life all its own whenever she saw or thought of her daughter. 'I had almost given up hope of being a mum although I didn't have problems getting pregnant. Unexplained miscarriages. Flora is doing really well, thankfully.'

'And at home with your wife. Caroline, did you say?'

'Caroline. Also my boss, head of my school.'

'I'll make an observation here, Kate, if I may. I notice that your speech is more halting when you talk of your wife. Do you want to talk about that?'

Kate looked to the ground and considered the question. She knew beyond doubt that she was as much in love as ever but also sensed that there was something, some barrier, between them since the accident that she could not explain.

'Yes.' Kate answered eventually.

So they did. Kate found the words and Dr Simpson was an attentive, responsive listener.

ooOoo

'No, it's fine, mum. Ginika's booked a taxi so I don't need to pick her up. Did you want tea?'

Celia arrived not long after Caroline's call from Ginika. Celia had her faults but laziness wasn't one of them and she set to work immediately, emptying the clothes from the dryer ready for ironing. Flora was still asleep but the camera on the baby monitor informed them that some movement was happening and she was heading towards waking.

'Yes, please, but coffee preferably unless you're going to palm me off with a cup of instant. You alright, love?'

'Alright? Yes, of course; why shouldn't I be?'

'Because I've only been here a matter of minutes and it's the third time you've asked if I want a drink. Is it just sleep deprivation or is there something you're not telling me?' Celia whispered 'again' as she bent her head back to the task in hand.

'Me? No, I'm fine. A bit frazzled maybe but I'm ok. I'm a bit concerned that I'm neglecting Lawrence as John's caught up with some problem with Judith and he's being totally unreliable. With splitting myself between home and hospital, I'm worried that Lawrence has got lost in the mix even though he says he's ok.'

'He IS ok. He told me that he likes the freedom and independence when he gets back from school. It's probably doing him good, not having you to rely on twenty-four, seven.'

'Freedom to raid the fridge twenty-four seven, more like!' Caroline reverted to humour to deflect Celia's enquiries as she turned her attention to the coffee percolator. 'Thanks for doing that, mum. It's those little jobs that make all the difference and it would be a help if you would do the steriliser for me sometime today?'

'Alan will do that while I do the ironing. It'll keep him away from his beloved Guardian for five minutes!'

The coffee was made just in time as Flora announced the end of her nap and the need for a feed.

'You fetch her, love, and I'll make the bottle while I sip my coffee. Is she still on 4 ounces?'

'Yes, thanks, mum.'

ooOoo

Celia took charge of feeding Flora the bottle she had prepared while Caroline made an excuse to go back upstairs, knowing that it might be the only time she had to herself for the rest of the day. She spent a few moments just sitting, quietly on the edge of her bed, looking towards a photo of her and Kate at their wedding; a photo filled with love, happiness, and expectation. Reaching for the journal she had kept about Kate's condition, she began to reread it; desolation, hopelessness and dread formed each word of the first few entries. She had recorded every conversation with the hospital staff as well as her own thoughts, hopes and prayers. Her eyes reached an entry she had made towards the end of the first week.

'Darling Flora is going to be ok! God, the relief. Her loss would have been too much to deal with. Now to have Kate home. That's all I ask. Nothing else matters. I'll do anything, cope with anything, if I can have that.'

Her fingers smoothed the paper across each pregnant word. She closed the book with a determined air and picked up her phone, dialling a number that she hadn't called before.

'Come on, come on!' she spoke out loud to herself as the ringing tone echoed in her ear.

'Good morning. You're through to the support line and I'm Gloria. How can I help.'

'Oh, uh, hello. Yes, good morning. I've been given this number and I, uh, yes. Well, I guess I need some support.'

'Then let me see how we can help. Can I start by asking your name?'

'Caroline. My name's Caroline McKenzie-Dawson.'

Downstairs, Celia heard every word through the baby monitor that Caroline had forgotten to turn off.


End file.
